I’m on vacation this week, and it’s a beautiful Tuesday morning.  Bright sunshine, slight breeze, 76 degrees of perfection.  My wife has just left for work, and I decide to buzz over to McDonalds and procure some breakfast to consume on my backyard deck.  But before I go, I realize that Yoshi, “World’s Cutest Puppy”, would like to go for a walk.  Thinking this can only improve my appetite, I oblige him (08:30-ish). 

Our block is long and lozenge shaped, and a course we know well.  We’re padding along clockwise, between turns 1 and 2, when I spy a woman jogging along from our left to right, on the street we’re perpendicular to.  Then, to my amazement- and great trepidation- I see she’s got not one, or two, but THREE un-leashed dogs padding along with her.   Seriously???

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I thinks to myself, as I bring Yoshi to a quick halt, and face him away from this ‘pack’ and sit him.  He’s seen them, and would like to get closer, but he’s not pullig or over-reacting; just in ‘curiosity’ mode.  I’d like to say something right then, but realize that her dogs- a decent-sized pug, a mixed, 20-poundish spitzy-thing, and dachshound-ish critter-  haven’t seen him yet, and it’s no time to draw their attention.   She, however, sees me (and my 120 pound bundle of cute but latent canine fury), and immediately begins issuing commands while picking up her pace to more quickly cross in front of us, and put distance between us.  

They made good time down the block, and we walked on again, Yoshi still straining a bit to advance towards them though they were pretty well away.  I was a bit of livid though.  What the hell is wrong with people?  I was so hoping for a Sheriffs’ to drive by (we’re un-incorporated, and patrolled by the County) so I could inquire about the actual leash law, and state a bit of a complaint. 

So I arrive back home, put the dog in, and proceed to get my breakfast.  Lo and behold, as I’m driving home through the neighborhood, still looking to see if there might be a squad car lurking, I see the same woman coming back towards me.  Now, I normally do anything to avoid confrontation, especially with strangers, but I feel really strongly about this particular issue, and decide that I’m going to try to have a respectful conversation about it with her.

I pull up and open my window,  she sees that I’d like to speak to her and slows down.  I said, calmly as I could, “I’m not trying to be offensive or forward here, but your dogs need to be on a leash.”  I noticed, for the first time, that she did indeed have leashes wound up in her hand. 

“I have leashes”, she says.  At this point though, she is going behind my car to pick up one of her dogs; when I stopped, they all naturally approached the car. 

“They need to be on them,  It’s the law.”  I try appealing to her sense of community.  “This is a shared space..”

“They’re not bothering anyone.”  

By now she’s got the one errant pup in her arms and is back on the side of the car, looking in.  I point out, “I’m the guy with the akita that you passed a bit ago…”

“And nothing happened.” she interject indignantly.

“If I’d have been fifteen feet further along…”

“Nothing would’ve happened!”

“You can’t make that assumption!” I said, but she was already hurrying away with her pack.

“You’re IGNORANT!” I exclaimed, as it was obvious that she was dead-set in her belief that she’d done nothing wrong, that her dogs were special little creatures that she controlled with her awesome-owner powers like furry little RC cars, and that I was somehow a monster for interrupting her mornings’ douchebaggery.  

I’ve recreated the conversation as closely as I’m able to recall, but want to stress that at no time did I raise my voice, or swear, or do anything that wasn’t a reasonable attempt at civilized discourse.  But she would have none of it.  She was so assured of the righteousness of her behavior that she wouldn’t even consider discussing it at any length.

On arriving home, as Yoshi and I enjoyed our breakfast on the deck, I confirmed what I suspected to be the law in Dupage County (http://www.dupageco.org/AnimalControl/1182/)-
“What Is the County “Leash Law”?
•All animals kept by humans must be under control at all times and must be prevented from leaving the owner’s property.

If You Own An Animal in DuPage County, You Must:
•Keep them on a leash or behind a fence at all times. Never let them run loose! This includes all animals kept by humans. Dogs under reliable voice control may be allowed off-lead in certain areas, such as dog training fields at certain Forest Preserves.”

So there, you self-absorbed clown shoe. 

Not bothering anyone?  You’ve bothered me, and my dog.  I’ve written about this before, but it still amazes me how so many folks can be so cocksure that “their dog” is some magical animated toy that they can unerringly command, every second of the day, no matter the situation.  It’s the height of ignorance, especially in the given circumstance; lady, you and your three animals constitute a ‘pack’.   And when they see me- or any other unfortunate dog walker that dares to occupy the same space- their instinct, as a group, will be to move to put themselves between you and us, and likely try to get close enough for examination/confrontation.   The fact that “nothing happened” this morning was a matter of luck and timing; as I said, if I’d have been ten or fifteen feet closer, your dogs would’ve seen my dog, and likely approached us. 

If you have one ‘magic’ dog, you might be able to keep it away with your siren-like vocal spells, but three magic dogs?  The odds are 66% less that one of them won’t get maimed or outright destroyed.

Because let’s face it, for all of his cuteness, our Yoshi is still an akita, afraid of nothing and no one, incredibly strong, and genetically dog-agressive.  In a fair fight against those three, well… it still wouldn’t be a fair fight.  Together, the three of them didn’t weigh half of him.   He’d have annihilated them.  Furthermore, I’m going to have to try to prevent this awful furball, and am likely to get bitten myself just trying to intervene.  Why should I have to be in that position to begin with?  Oh yeah, because you’re special.   And not bothering anyone.  And I will sue your house down.

I love dogs; mine, yours, all of them.  Your dogs are going to do what all dogs do, no matter how “special”, “well-behaved” or “controlled” you think they are.  And if something awful happens, it’s not their fault- they’re just being dogs.  The fault lies solely with morons, idiots and egocentric sloths who think they’re special, and above the law.

It’s a “community”, asshole.  If you want to run with your dogs, buy ten acres.  Or go to an actual “Dog Park”, we do have those.               

I recently had an incident where I was dinged on a Capital One credit card for a 40$ late fee, which put me over-limit and generated another 40$ fee. This caused my minimum due to be more than double the usual, and the whole thing came as a complete shock as I’d sent the payment for that month (or so I believed). This set my blood to boiling, as I knew there was going to be some arcane term under which Capital One would declare a right to impose these fees, and my pleas that they are unfair and excessive and should be removed would fall on deaf ears… or so I thought.

Some quick background- for over 8 years I had been paid once a month, and had settled all my accounts quite conveniently on or near the first of the month. Last August my payroll changed to compensation bi-monthly, which led to a change in my bill payment schedule. This card has always been due on the 11th, and when my pay schedule changed I began paying it from the previous months’ disbursement on the 15th, i.e. I was paying “ahead” of each due date by more than two weeks. This had gone on since August without issue, until I paid what I thought would be the Jan-11 due payment on Dec 16th.

I dreaded making the call, as the general trend in dealing with corporate behemoths, and the big CC corps in particular, on these sorts of matters is that they are seemingly willfully difficult to deal with, and mostly intractable on these “gotcha” fees. For my part though, I feel I’ve been punitively pick-pocketed, and must at least try to recover what I may, if not at least get an explanation of where I’d gone wrong.

To my great shock and delight, my issue could not have been handled better! Capital One customer service, in this case, provided exactly the services required, neatly circumventing all of the most salient pitfalls usually encountered in these situations.

One of my biggest pet peeves- which is shared by, well, everyone- is the time it takes to get a live person on the the line. I don’t object to being in queue, if there’s a legitimate wait, but what galls me is the automated, branching hoops of telephonic fire that most customer service lines would have us jump through. I despise “talking” to robots, especially extra-perky, best-est-pal robots (I’m looking at YOU, Wirgin Mobile). I hate having to climb the button-pushing branches of the CS tree, so I was pleasantly surprised that within 30 seconds of inputting my CC number and a couple of other presses, Calvin came on the line.

After the obligatory security questions, he noted that my account was past due, and asked if I would like to pay that now? I explained that I thought that I “had” paid them already, and asked him to explain why I had been dinged. While he looked at the account, i explained about my recent payroll changes, and my belief that a payment had indeed been made. He replied that if I had made the payment on the 17th instead of the 16th, there would not have been a problem. I had made the payment in the previous months “statement” period, and it had been applied to the previous months’ activity.

Now here is where Capital One was once again ahead of the game; as we know, Level 1 CSRs- the first folks we speak with- in most cases have very little recourse in making meaningful changes in these sorts of issues, which leads to the customer needing to “speak to a supervisor”. The dreaded escalation. But again, to my surprise, calvin asked me if I’d like to speak to an “Accounts Investigator”. I replied that I would, and in about a minute I was transferred to Jan.

I once again explained the situation, and that I had believed I had made all the payments in a correct fashion. Jan said that she could credit back the fees, “but…” (“Uh-oh”, thinks I,) “you’re going to have to pay the entire minimum due, as that’s already in the system and blah-blah-blah…” And I only say “blah-blah-blah” because at that point I wasn’t really concerned with why I had to pay that, because my whole point in calling them was to not lose 80$ over an innocent mistake. I actually made the payment online while we were still talking.

Jan said that the two 40$ fees would be credited back to my account “within 48 hours”. It then struck me that another huge customer service bugaboo is the proffer of a service by a CSR, such as a refunded fee, that never materializes. So before I closed the call, I politely asked Jan if she could provide me with some means to follow-up, in case I didn’t see the fees being refunded. She said she could not give me her direct number, but she did provide me with her EID# (which I assume to be her “employee ID”) and assured me that with that, any other CSR would be able to see her notes on the case. She also helpfully reminded me NOT to pay the account before the 16 of the previous month.

As it was, the fees were indeed refunded. I know that Capital One has had their share of horror stories over the years (and in these days when “the banks” are seemingly allied against their own customers interests, existing ostensibly only as fee-generating machines), so such a consumer-centric result really did come as a shock to me. They were expedient, accessible, anticipatory, and transparent. I can’t say if every customers’ call will be like that going forward, or if it was just some planetary-alignment-induced one-off thingy, but I say “bravo, Capital One”. You did good.

As neither myself nor my fairlady wife are required- by prior arrangement, and not due to any socio-economic dis-shevelment- to report to our places of work for the rest of the decade, let me just say;
“We’re on vay-kay-shun,
We’re on vay-kay-shun…” (so where’s my 18 inches of snow?)

For the past year and a half or so I’ve been exploring the applications and virtues of various Belgian ales, which began appearing at market with great frequency. In my humble opinion, Corsendonk Abbey Brown Ale, with a pricey ribeye and warm cheddar cheese bread from Whole Foods, is sex in a bottle. Just wish they would stock it more regularly (for the record, there’s a domestic outfit called Ommegang that does a decent facsimile)!

Above we see a more recent find, Corsendonk Christmas Ale, which was discovered- again at Whole Foods Market- in a nifty sixer gift set with a free glass! Yes, I’m a sucker for the free stuffs. Sadly, the biggish cardboard box neatly conceals the fact that the bottles themselves are only of the 8.5oz variety, so we ended up wit not-as-much actual ale as we believed we’d purchased, but it’s OK, because, hey, “FREE GLASS!”.

I really don’t know that the brew itself is anything other than the Abbey Brown with perhaps just a bit more orange zest scraped in, but that’s not a bad thing, given the base (I know the Belgies like their fruity brews, but e.g., Blue Moon is simply too over-powered by the citrus for my tastes, so ugh). It went very well with a Whole Foods roasting chicken, another “can’t miss” piece of meat. And it also held its own with hotdogs’n'crescent-rolls the following evening!

Now where’s muh snow?

That article begins by describing a “top rater” who supposedly rated in excess of 5000 movies in a single day (an average of 5 a minute for 16 hours). Leaving off that on its face such a stunt can’t possibly produce evaluations of any true merit, but is more the evidence of obsessive status-seeking within a particular online community, it does speak to the popularity of some of the more esoteric services Netflix provides. I know there are folks out there who place a lot of importance not only on their lovingly-crafted queues, but also on what others think of them, and their filmic opinions. That’s all fine and dandy, good on’em, but I’m the exact opposite, and if Netflix really valued me as a consumer, they would provide a “Leave Me The Fuck Alone” button.

I joined Netflix back in October or so, when their offerings became available to play on the XBOX Live service, and subsequently discovered the “Watch Instantly” option on my PC, which I also appreciate and use frequently. I signed up at the lowest tier, and consider 8.99 a month well spent for what I can play on my console and PC. I was never interested in their delivery service, and likely will never use it (I did bungle it on my first day, and inadvertently added a movie to the delivery queue, got it, watched it, and couldn’t be arsed to send it back. I’m now more diligent in my navigation of their website.) However, I find it more than a little annoying that they are constantly nagging me to “interact” with them in ways above and beyond what I’d care to do.

I will never “rate” or review a movie I’ve watched. I will never watch a thing because they’ve recommended it. I don’t give a rodent’s anus what anyone else thinks about anything, and I certainly don’t give a shit what anyone thinks about what *I* think. I simply want to go to the site, look for things I’m interested in, and throw them on. I didn’t sign up to be a “sample”, and I really really wish they’d provide me the option to turn off all of those “services”, the relentless “What did you think” emails especially.

I don’t begrudge Netflix their complex data-mining efforts, and if folks want to play along, that’s fine. But let’s keep perspective here; the whole point of “improving” their robo-snooping is to maximize the subscriber’s usage of the service, and rake in as much dough as they may. Again, that’s fine, the very point of operating a business is to be as profitable as possible. But I cannot believe I’m the only subscriber on earth that skews the way I do, and if they really wanted me- and others like me- to be as pleased as possible with their service, they would allow me to opt-out of their “opinion pool”. Please, Netflix, just leave me the fuck alone…

Was discussing this older photo with me mate SteveTheBrit the other morning, and decided to use it as an excuse to post something, as I’ve been particularly slack of late.

It isn’t a technically great photo, but it tells a very clear story. It also keenly demonstrates the uses and particular joys of ‘serendipity’ for the amateur photographer. Interesting candid shots on crowded streets are difficult to get in the best of times; more often than not there’s someone in shot looking directly into the lens, and usually glaring as if you’d caught them coming out of the shower (you know about shrinkage, don’t you?)

I noticed this transaction unfolding as we exited the El station at Addison for a Cubs game at Wrigley, Sept 2004. We actually walked past the subjects from the other side, and I shot this over my shoulder as we jostled down the crowded street. What makes the shot so cool is that each of the players has in his hand distinct evidence of his part in the deal; the faceless scalper, cellphone ever at the ready, is clutching the wanted ducets; the cop, tanned and buff and ready-for-action, assertively flashing his shield; and then there’s “Grandpa”, sweetly oblivious to his peril as party to an allleged crime, counting out his cash, as visions of the friendly confines fill his greying noggin. One almost pictures expectant grandchildren off-stage, and an immediate future of frustration and disappointment… until another helpful fellow with ‘extras’ can be found.

Below is the text of an email I sent to some Target bigwigs (thanks to an “EECB” link to their email addresses at The Consumerist blog), after an un-satisfying shopping experience yesterday. My complaint is duly detailed in the missive, so I’ll just cut-n-paste that here-

Dear Sirs/Madams,

I just had the most surprising and unpleasant experience this morning, at your store located at 60 Yorktown Shopping Center, in Lombard, IL 60148. Having just been paid, and flush with disposable income, I ventured into the electronics department to peruse the ‘clearance’ items there. I’ve often found great bargains on video games, and to my delight there was a copy of “Ninja Blade” for the XBOX360, reduced to a mere 27$. As this game was released only a month or so ago, and I’d nearly paid full price elsewhere for it, I grabbed it. I also picked up several other sundries, and proceeded to the checkout.

The cashier began to scan my items, and I swiped my card as per usual. Just as I’d done that, she asked to “scan” my ID. I was slightly confused by this request- as I’d never heard the like before- and I think I even began to re-swipe my debit card. She politely informed me again that she needed to scan my ID, and pointed to her screen, which was displaying some monkey-grammatic animation of said scanning action, with the bold legend “SCAN CUSTOMER ID” in scary yellow on red. I realized then that this action was prompted by the video game’s “Mature” rating.

“You want to scan my license?” I asked. “I’ll gladly show it to you…”

“I have to scan it, or it won’t go through,” she replied.

I’ll just point out here that I’m 51 years old, and my appearance belies that I’m obviously well within the “Mature” demographic. Yet I understand that some business will require their agents to check IDs in every case, and have no problem with that at all. But there is no valid reason to need to “scan” it, ever, when a visual confirmation will do.

For a moment I considered asking to speak to a manager, but there were people in line behind me, and the usual dearth of available cashiers, so I just walked away, purchasing nothing. And I will never purchase anything at any store- Target or otherwise- if the sale is contingent on an ID scan. You can argue that the only info being accessed is age verification, or that no data is stored, but I can just as easily argue that there’s no way I can know or confirm that. In this day and age when personal data is so highly vulnerable to compromise, and the trend in society is to be more protective of it in every public arena, it’s seems slightly insane that you think requiring me to give you more of it won’t drive me away.

Respectfully,

Kevin Dafler

Bravo, Target, you’re obviously “thinking of the children”. Me, I’m thinking of all the other thousands of places- in both the real world and on intarwebs- where I can shop without being required to surrender more personal information than is needed, for science-only-knows what possible reason.

Are you just covering your pathetic asses from Nanny-State Lawsuits? Maybe… Are you data-mining, to swell those oh-so-valuable “lists” that you promise to never sell? Probably not, but again I point out, I have no way of knowing what information you’re swiping off of my license, nor can I know if it’s safeguarded effectively after it’s sucked into your “system”.

So what I do know, is “No”, you may not scan my ID. And you will not be selling me ANYTHING, anytime you ask to do that.

Which brings me to my second complaint- after leaving a passel of items on the belt and walking away from the situation descibed above, I went home and brought up the Target website. I clicked on the “Contact Us” link, and then looked about for a subsequent “feedback” link to air my grievance. To my surprise (insert poorly-executed “NOT!” joke here), there isn’t one! That explains why I needed to go ‘outside’ to find viable contacts, but it just kind of pisses me off that Corps will provide 20 assorted “Contact Us” links to facilitate their business, but when it comes to “hearing” from us, well they can’t be bothered.

I guess it’s all good for them, eh? I’ll update this if I actually do hear anything back from anybody, but I’m pretty sure it’s a useless cause.

It was never my intention to make this site about my car, but then again, I haven’t been so motivated to work on a project as much as I have been to pimp this ride. After the new air intake, the next logical step is to open up the back end and relieve some of the sluggishness Chrysler built into the vehicle to keep it attractive to it’s core demo of ‘Sunday Drivers’.

So, once more into the toolbox we delve…

Click any of the pics for largers

Welcome to my annotated gallery illustrating my exhaust upgrade. This was a fun project, but it was not without a little heartbreak and concern, as we shall see.

Getting Pearl up on the ramps by myself, especially given the uneven nature of my driveway, was a chore unto itself. This was my first experience using ramps like this. By the next evening, I was backing up onto them without even looking. Go me.

The dropcloth is draped over a 2X4 that protrudes roughly an inch out of the ground (when I installed that patio 15 years ago or so, those bricks were actually level with the tops of the borders all the way around). I’m blaming my having to lie on/against that on the bruised/pulled pain I now have in my pectoral region.

It was a partly sunny day, upper 40′s, but brutally windy. So far this spring is shaping up as one of the most anti-convertible seasons in memory. 40′s and sunny can be “top-down”, but it’s been all 40′s and overcast and biting 30MPH winds to freeze your soul. Again I say, “Thanks, global warming!!”

Above is the 2001 Sebring’s stock exhaust, as it appears to parts vendors and repair folk the world over. For the current exercise, we’re only concerned with parts #10 and #11, the resonator and muffler.

Now nowhere in this drawing- or in any other source I could find- are the dimesions of the pipes discussed. And why woulds they be? For anyone’s purposes, if one wants or needs to replace the resonator or muffler, you get either with 3 or 5 feet of pipe attached- as shown- and it just “fits”.

But here’s the thing; every freaking auto parts website I browsed showed aftermarket mufflers for my car at 2.5in diameter. Every. Single. One. There was not one dissenter in the lot, and I checked that specifically.

Yet one auto enthusiast on a forum that I visit frequently guessed off the top of his head that my stock exhaust was probably 2.25 inches, and you know what? He was right.

God damn it. More on that later.

Here’s a good view of the stock exhaust from behind. After I’d made the first hack ahead of the resonator, I learned something that surprised me; looking from the muffler forward, there’s the rubber hanger you can see in the crook of the first bend, and then from there until somewhere beyond the farthest end of the resonator pipe we can see here, the exhaust does not attach to the vehicle. The welded ‘post’ on the resonator pipe appears to just sit inside of a horizontal rubber grommet, for some dampening effect. Obviously, the exhaust must attach to the vehicle somewhere forward on part #9, but this arrangement presents some new issue for the driveway hackers, to wit-

the integrity of this system is dependent upon the overall rigidty of the components, and these two long runs of robotically-welded metal are fine “as is”. But by introducing four clamped cuts in those components, I can turn those clamps until my arm falls off and it will never have the rigidity of the stock system.

Things vibrate, resonate, expand and contract, rattle and hum, things are always moving, even in the tighthest of binds. I immediately sense that it’s going to want to sag. Blast.

First hack. Well 98% of the first hack anyway. The available angle coupled with the size of the saw and the length of the blade made it impossible to finish.

On the left we see the old stock airbox helping out, happy to be useful once again. It came in handy at several point for hoisting pipe up into place prior to clamping, expecially as I could beat it into place with a rubber mallet and not have to worry about breaking it.

Mini hacksaw to the rescue!

I had to include this, because I’ve never actually had a proper use for that little fellow since I bought it. Honestly, I’m pretty sure I got it under that wicked retail impulse thing we always accuse the gals of doing, i.e., “Awww, that’s cute, we wants it!”, but it now obversely reinforces what I’m constantly harping on about having ‘the right tools’. Or a permutation of that old gun-rights mantra “it’s better to have a gun- or an extraneous tool- and not need it, than to need it and not have it.” As it was, I had to lie on my back and reach over my head with both hands to get ‘er done.

One nice thing about it only being attach with one rubber hanger and the muffler bracket itself, is that I could get it out quite easily.

I had initially thought that the exhaust would be attached at anumber of points, and had envisioned myself hacking out the resonator and swapping in a new one where it hung (hanged?)

But there’s a major impediment to this plan, which Yoshi is pointing out to me here- the bend out of the resonator is so near the outlet that no matter how close it’s cut there will not be sufficient pipe there to clamp anything to while maintaining any sort of compression, nor will it be very straight.

An obvious solution presents itself, but it’s made much easier by having the whole thing out.

Parts.

Did I mention that I worked for 11 years for Mercedes-Benz of N.A., in their Midwest Parts Distribution Center (we called it a PDC)? We had several sayings there, like, “parts is parts”, and “parts come in, parts go out”. And I can’t look at car parts without remembering those loathesome tritenesses.

Anyway, here’s the new stuff. I had contemplated deleting the resonator all together, but when I saw the size of my amazing new muffler I thought better of it.

Besides, I have always wanted a car with “glasspacks” (well ok, glass-”pack”). The very word hearkens back to my youth in the sixties and seventies, when the hot-rod vernacular was peppered with arcane but key terminology; Cherry Bomb glasspacks, Holley carbs, Hooker Headers and Cragar mags were all the order of the day.

I could not find anything nearly short enough to fit in the resonator’s spot and not extend beyond that dampening post (which I actually half-suspect might be a busted bracket, now that I think about it), so an 18incher will have to do.

The elbow, if you haven’t already guessed, is key to the problem poised in the prior pic. Various adaptors and clamps speak for themselves, and the giant length of pipe in the back was eventually returned to PepBoys with no problem.

The box is just a box, but it’s also part of a future mod, delivered while I was out getting the stuff.

The Borla looks sweet, but will prove problematic, as we shall see.

My solution to the problem of the resonator outlet. With this elbow, I have a straight, solid attachment point.

By now, obviously, I’ve realized that despite every website on the planet telling me the exhaust is two and a half inches, it’s really two and a quarter (which is why I didn’t get the glasspack et.al. until I’d hacked it up and made visual confirmation).

Hey, there’s mini-hacksaw again, giving 9/16s a noogie and bragging to his cronies about his moment in the sun! “I’m chrome plated!” says tape measure, but no one’s listening.

First sticker on the tool chest. If I was 16, I might have put that where someone could see it…

Tool Chest has pedigree- we picked it up for 80$ from a co-worker of my wife’s a couple of years ago. Her husband- a pretty successful stay-at-home stockbroker- died suddenly of a heart attack, and she sold his things. The guy had two Porsches- a 74 Carrera that was his daily, and a ’76 Turbo that he raced SCCA. They were for sale too, but I had to be satisfied with merely sitting in them.

Here’s mocked-up and ready to be slid in for the final measure and cut of the resonator pipe. And despite the fact that once it’s installed no one will ever see it again, I could not bring myself to subject the shiny red glasspack to such an ignomious scraping. So I taped a box to it.

To align it properly for the cut, I needed it to hang in it’s orginal position. I hung it from cable ties.

You know how everyone says that as long as you have an ample supply of WD-40 and duct tape you could repair the space shuttle in flight? Throw in cable ties, and I’ll build you a freaking Death Star. These beauties are a Projectman’s best friend. They’re clamps, they’re hangers, they’re even handcuffs!

Ready for the final cut. This one I can do downward from above the pipe, and so it was relatively simple.

Yes, I compensated for the fact that when the pipes are raised into final position they will be probably a half inch or more closer together than they are here… I hope.

You can prominently see the “post” on the resonator pipe, that protrudes up into and through a rubber grommet, but not apparently actually attaching to anything (unless it’s just broke, a possibility that cannot be discounted). The parts drawing doesn’t actually show anything there but a welded bracket on that pipe.

Since I’ve already pointed out that I know the whole structure is weakened by my actions, I put a pipe strap with a haning bracket through that grommet, with the bracket end down, as an additional attachment point, to belay some sagging.

You can’t see it in this pic, but watch for it coming up!

Here’s the piece after I’ve cut it out. And there’s my new reciprocating saw, purchased especially for this project.

I got it at Harbor Freight Tools, a chain that just arrived in Lombard this year. I’d only heard vaguely of them before it magically appeared, but it’s become a favorite already.

Actually, I just realized I’ve never actually been in a dedicated tool store before. Harbor Freight seems to specialize in house and off brand tools, reasonably priced. Some might say, cheap. But they’ve got boatloads of stuff, and a DIY’er can become hypnotized by the myriad offerings. That saw was a mere 24$, and was perfect for the job.

The octopus I got on woot.com, 2 of them for 7.99. Just sayin…

Another word about the right tools. Above we see the blade that came with my new reciprocating saw (“Includes one wood cutting blade and one metal cutting blade!”)

Well sir, it says right on there, “METAL CUTTING BLADE”, but I’m not sure if it’s trying to convince me or itself of the efficacy of that claim. I can tell you, it’s a lie. Well, a stretch- you could probably nag your way through a coke can with it.

I actually tried to start the job using that blade. After about a minute of chattering, screechy protest I’d only managed to scrape a shiny spot into the pipe. I was actually concerned for a moment that this was not going to work at all.

Luckily, I didn’t think I’d be able to do all that cutting with a single blade to begin with, so I bought a package of so-called ‘sawzall’ blades. Look at those beauties, they’ve even got a hot-rod paintjob to back up their metal-munchin’-meaness. And they back it up all the way.

Cuts like BUTTAH, baybee.

A better view of my new saw, and the nice work that it can do.

Here’s the resonator nearly installed. Without the stock muffler attached it’s much easier to get pipes up into position and settled before beginning clamping.

At the forward end of the glasspack you can see a three-inch hose clamp hanging- a happy leftover from the WR CAI install. And back from that, between the two clamps, you can just see the bracket end of the hanging strap I mentioned earlier. I actually improvised that one the fly, once I’d attached that hanger.

That clamp was pulled through the bracket, and then tightened (as shown in the inset, though that’s prior to final adjustment and still somewhat low), adding some resistance to downward sag, while still maintaining some slight, dampened, mobility.

I was very happy to get that part done, as it was the most uncomfortable and constricted space to work in. That, and I nearly cut off all my fingertips trying to wedge that clamp through that bracket!

I did, after completing this step, fire the engine up, for two reasons. I wanted to make sure that all the noise and smoke would come out of the back of the system, and no un-wanted noise and smoke from the front (which would mean that I’d botched something forward of where I was toiling, that I didn’t particularly want to wonk up). And also to be an obnoxious wanker. But only for a few seconds.

All seemed fine, it was obnoxiously loud but nothing ostensibly amiss. But then I did something I hadn’t done yet- I looked “through” the Borla. I saw asphalt, and realized that- aside from a couple of baffles protruding into the center area- it was essentially another straight pipe. “Oops”, say I to me.

Skipping ahead now, because it’s gotten dark and cold and I’ve made about four trips out to get things, here’s the Borla finally mounted. And then, I fired her up.

Remember the scene in “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” where the villian snatches up the lavishly decorated grail and drinks out of it and then dies horribly, and then the 600 year old knight intones sardonically, “He chose poorly”? Well whenever I see someone make an impulsive, bonehead decision, I almost always think of that, and say to myself, “He chose poorly”.

That was me, referring to me, the instant she turned over. It’s not that it sounded horrible, it was just entirely wrong for the car. Far too agressive. In fact, as I pulled away down the street, madly telling myself that maybe it’ll get better after it’s “broken in”, my naked ear was saying “here’s a car that sounds like it needs a new muffler”. Which was entirely true.

It was, literally, the dreaded ricer “fart-can” sound. Second thought- “My wife is going to hate it”, although I already inwardly knew that I would not “settle”, but would have to suck it up and swap it out the next day.

I went out and drove for about an hour, growing more and more embarrassed at the presumptuous growling my car was producing. She seemed to feel a tad sluggish even, and did not evince the expected performance gains from being opened up the back. Oh, and when I jumped on it, the cabin filled with the slight but distinct smell of carbon monoxide. I noticed it on two occassions, and the wife commented on it the next day when I drove her around on some errands. Don’t know if this was due to a clamping issue, or the fact that the muffler was a quarter inch to big, it’s gone away since I swapped the Borla out, but I’ve also checked and re-checked my clamps several times since.

Oh, and she also said the words I’d dreaded but expected, before we’d gone a block- “it sounds like it needs a new muffler”. But, as I’ve said, I’d already determined to replace it.

I’m certain, that for some applications, this is a very nice muffler. And I’d also wager that Borla does make a muffler that would sound ‘tits’ on my car, it just isn’t this one. But I bone’headedly decided that I wanted a Borla muffler, for god-knows-whatever pretentious reason, and this was the least expensive I could find online (no one sells them locally). In fact, I got a great deal on it, relatively speaking, from Amazon.

Live and learn, I guess. Gawd how I hate that expression.

The funny thing is, in looking at and reading about aftermarket ‘performance’ exhaust products, I actually had sort of decided that I was going to go with a Dynomax.

That’s not it here, this is a next-day shot as I’m in the process of removing the Borla. Funny thing, from the moment I fired her up with that on, until I finished swapping the muffler, I felt that depression one feels when one’s car is broken. This was amplified by the fact that I had broken it myself, and while I knew the actual swap would be relatively simple, I still was bummed that I’d broken my baby.

So I had bags of parts to return to both O’reilly’s and PepBoys auto parts (like all good driveway hacks, I bought a bunch of things I thought I might need, knowing I could return what I didn’t use). I mentioned to the young man processing my return at O’reillys that I would like him to sell me a muffler. He turned to his screen and did the automatic “for what kind of car?” thing, and then for a moment he a tad glassy-eyed as I explained that I would need to buy an off-the-reservation muffler by spec, as opposed to from “stock”.

I explained my situation, even revealing my poor decision making, but he was sympathetic, and, co-incidentally, well-versed in aftermarket exhaust. He immediately transformed into my parts counter hero, as it took him about 45 seconds to pull me perfection in a box.

Sure, this Dynomax had the words “turbo” in it’s name, same as the bothersome Borla, but my new best friend assured me it would be worlds of quiet away from the Borla, while still offering oodles of “open” over the similarly priced Flowmaster.

Now that I had the proper-sized muffler, I ran into another snag. The hangers that I’m using were too big to allow me to get both of them under a 2.25in clamp and over the outlet.

“Aha!” says I though, “pipe compression isn’t a concern at this end. By golly, if I take a hoop from a 2.5in clamp and squeeze it in a vise until I can get it through the bracket of a 2.25in clamp, I’ll be good to go!”

And that’s what I did, and I had to heat it with a torch too- because I’m also a non-certified amateur blacksmith- and it worked like a charm (as seen above).

And then a tip. Dammit I wnt to three stores before I made up my mind. I wanted to extend it out some, and got another adapter which I couldn’t get on “over” the outlet, so I shoved it in and drilled it for a set-screw. Yes, I’m wearing goggles.

So there you have it. The Dynomax is just perfect. Not too agressive, but definitely gives it a nice little thrum and rumble at idle, and a bit of a roar under stress that definitely says “sayonara Solara!”

My depression therefore was turned from being based on breaking my car to sadness at the shitty awful weather we’re experiencing. Today, Sunday, I wanted to go out and check and torque all the bolts again, and it was more of that forties and brutally windy crap, and then it began to rain. And then pour. And now it’s snowing, fer chrissakes.

Luckily, there’s a non-gated, multi-level parking garage in a corporate center about a mile from my house, so I went there, and gave everything a good going over.

I’m so far happy with the ultimate conclusion of this mod, though I will keep an eye on a couple of things. Obviously, I want to check pretty constantly for sag- if it gets to bad I’ll bite the bullet and take it to a shop and have em weld it up proper. But if it maintains, that ‘s even better.

Oh, and the pic there is all the stuff I’ve removed from my Pearl since I got her. Well, not the cooler. Or the bucket.

Thanks for reading. EDIT, April 07, 2009-But wait, there’s more!

Just a quick addendum, the following Tuesday-

After some research and deliberation, I decided this morning to swap the “crush” clamps for band clamps. I had considered those initially, but got cheap on myself (2.50 vs 10.50 per). THe band clamps offer a much higher level of compression to the join as a whole, and a preposterously greater level of rigidity. The downside is, they take a ton’o'torque. I’ve wrecked my left shoulder, but lost an inch of sagging!

If you’re going to DIY an exhaust, the band clamps are the only way to go (unless you’re a decent welder, natch!)

For weeks now, I’ve been hearing chatter that Disney was close to doing a distribution deal with Hulu. Disney would give Hulu exclusive access to at least some of its online video in exchange for an equity stake alongside GE’s (GE) NBC and News Corp.’s (NWS) Fox. And accompanying said chatter was this refrain: Why?

He proceeds to speculate that Disney CEO Bob Iger’s intent is to roil the innards of other potential beaus, e.g. Google & ComCast, and personally I’d rather belive that’s the case. It leaves open the possibility that Disney won’t ravage Hulu with its hyper-suck. But I’m more inclined to believe that Disney sees in Hulu a content-delivery mechanism far more innovative, far more stream-lined, and by obvious extension immeasurably more popular than their own horrible offerings, and they won’t be able to sleep until they’ve wrecked it with the same endless loops of Disney commercials they subject us to in their two-week-late HD offerings “On Demand”.

And just to be sure my earlier impressions of ABC Online weren’t tainted by a glitch at the time I blasted them, I went back this morning and tried to watch “Lost” again, using their Streaming HD Player. Well they’ve upgraded the top level go-dot-abc-dot-com page- it now AUTO-PLAYS a fucking BofA commercial when you access it. And the stream quality of the alleged HD Player is still pathetic and awful, like a mouthful of cold stewed tomatoes from a dumpster.

Oh, and for good measure, I’d like to point out that Disney is run by right-wing corporationalists tools, so they suck for that too.

HULU, do NOT partner with Disney. Please, don’t make me hate you too.

Normally, it’s been in avoidance of 3rd-party labor rates when a repair was needed; not since my early twenties have I had- or cared to have- what could be considered a “project” car, that I’ve desired to work on for the sake of it. That’s recently changed, however, as I’ve aquired a 2001 Chrysler Sebring Limited convertible that’s so clean and so mechanically sound that it causes me to lose sleep thinking of all the ways I want to show her my bolt-on love. So for all intents and purposes, this is a layman’s review. There will be no useful technical evaluation, but rather I will descibe my experience installing it, and tell you if the Weapon*R seems a genuine “go-faster” or not.

Click any of the pics for largers

My “Pearl”, as I have dubbed her, replaces a 1999 Limited convertible that was my daily driver for 4 great years and 1 really sad one, as she died slowly after being essentially curb-stomped by a ginormous pothole, just about a year ago. I was sad to see “Jade” go, but delighted to discover that my new toy included a more powerful, and much more user-friendly powerplant, as the 2001MY was the introduction of the second-generation Sebrings with 2.7L engines, an upgrade from the earlier model’s 2.5L Mitsu motor, with a listed horsepower increase from 168 to 200.

Now the Sebring has always been reknowned as an immensely enjoyable ‘cruising’ convertible, but performance has always been a weak point for the marque. There are archived reviews for every model year available, and almost every one will make a point about the soft, doggy acceleration, and general lack of readily available power. The cars are popular and numerous, but from being an owner of several years and talking about them with a good many people, I’ve come to realize that the Sebring convertible is roundly viewed as a vehicle for middle-aged folks that want to get their cruise on, but aren’t looking for a bimmer-beater or something to tear up the A&W on a Friday night. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you how mant people I’ve talked to who, when the Sebring is mentioned, told me about their aunt, or mom, or older sister who had one, and what a nice, comfortable riding car it was. Key word, of course, being “nice”.

But such a rep can actually be an advantage for fans of a particular model, as it ensures a supply of more immaculately maintained used vehicles in the pipeline, as my latest aquisition shows (the dealer, in fact, gave us that “owned by an elderly couple” song-and-dance in Pearl’s case, but I’m inclined to believe them, because I would both cook and eat off of that 8-yr-old engine, and the rest is mostly mint as well). And as with any vehicle, palpable improvements over stock can be made in a plethora of areas. The easiest, and easily the most common, performance enhancement the kids seem to be doing these days is improving air flow into the engine by replacing the stock air filter with a “cold air intake”, commonly referred to as a CAI. By allowing more, and presumably cooler, air into the throttle body, some improved magical combustion stuff happens and the car goes slightly faster. Increases of 5-15 HP are generally claimed. Sounds good to me!

I had actually looked into a CAI for the ’99, but never found anything specific to that vehicle. This surprised me, as with it having a Mitsubishi engine, coupled with the tuning madness that gave us the derogatory term “ricer”, I figured there’d be something available. I also considered a home-brewed solution, but that was near the time of the “troubles” and I never followed through.

Within days of aquiring Pearl, however, I’d found an honest-to-goodness vehicle-specific bolt on CAI for my Sebring convertible, from a company called Weapon-R (their “Secret Weapon” part #307-150). I placed the order with ERZ Industries, who, though they never updated the order online to “shipped” status (which caused me a bit of consternation), delivered the kit in 5 business days. At the time of my purchase they were offering a “bonus” pack-in that included a filter cleaning kit, a ram-air kit, and a breather filter. Wasn’t sure what that was all about, but free is good, and more’s better, especially in these times. I’ll discuss these things a bit later.

So onto business- I set aside a weekend, as I wanted to also do some paintwork on the grille. To do that I had to drop the front bumper panel, which actually made the CAI install a bit easier, as I could get a foot closer to the engine compartment! Conventional wisdom says that an intake swap should take about 45 minutes to an hour. But like any such job, it’s smart to give yourself a some margin of time for errors and issues that may arise. Oh, and I shouldn’t have to tell you, but I’ll mention it anyway, have tools handy! I’ve always had access to the most commonly needed tools, all over my GD garage, but I never appreciated the benefits of having them all in one place ALL THE TIME until I bought and organized a toolbox of my own that everyone else in the universe is forbidden to touch. Also, I think I failed to point out in my opening that I always have an off-the-rack Chilton’s/Hayne’s manual for any auto I’m working on. In this case, I would’ve had a much more frustrating time removing the Sebring’s stock airbox without it.

Here’s a ‘before’ pic of the engine, for reference. And while you might intuitively think that to replace the stock air filter one needs only open the big black box, one would be wrong. For some obscure reason, to replace the stock filter one must first un-couple the intake hose from the throttle body and pull the filter out attached to that hose. Needlessly complicated, if you ask me, but no longer an issue after it’s wholly removed.

I was amazed at the huge void under the stock airbox, and once it’s out it seems like you could throw a square dance in there and still close the hood. Makes the prospect of future mods that much more appealing, as under the ’99′s hood there’s barely enough room to turn a bolt.

And here’s the parts (oops, spark plugs not included- those are the Denso Iridium plugs (#ITL16) I also threw in that same weekend). Everything that was promised is included. First thing I will note is that Weapon*R is big on branding. The pipes, the filter, and the clamps are all engraved or otherwise marked with some variation of the WR logo. Even the freaking ram-air flex tubing has a white WR logo painted on it (though anyone will be hard-pressed to ever see it). The instructions are a single sheet with 18 listed instruction. There are two pics on the sheet, one of the generic parts, un-annotated, and one of the unit fully installed- neither particularly useful.

So, thanks to my trusty manual, I was able to remove the stock airbox, carefully laying aside the PCV and MAF sensor as instructed. I didn’t grasp immediately that the initially flat pieces of PVC tubing were “couplers”, so I was frantically looking for the “3.5″-to-3in” couple the instructions called for next. I figured it out quickly enough, and attached that coupler and the first elbow pipe, as shown.

Now here’s where I ran into the first real hitch- the next step is to clamp another 3″-3″ coupler on the end of that elbow, and then attach the next pipe. Well sir, I can tell you that I was not able to get the next coupler on there in any way shape or form, with it in that position. That wasn’t a particularly big deal in and of itself, it was a simple enough matter to pull the elbow off the throttle body and assemble it up to the second pipe BEFORE attaching it. Just annoying. No, the real issue was with the MAF sensor, which I also decided to reinsert in the assembly prior to re-attaching it to the throttle body.

This was to be re-inserted into a rubber grommet in the top of the elbow. However the grommet fit so loosely in the hole, and the MAF sensor body fit so tightly into the grommet that it was impossible to get the three together. Trying to force the MAF through the grommet resulted in the grommet being pushed completely through the hole in the elbow. Attaching the grommet first to the MAF sensor body then trying to force it down into the hole also yielded no joy. The final solution was to brace the grommet with two fingers from below as the MAF was forced through, which eventually worked, but the main point is that the MAF sensor is not a place where one wants to be applying various measures of brute force. Additionally, even with the MAF finally installed the grommet was loose, and in no way “airtight”.

Now this gets back to what I said earlier about my mechanical prowess, I’m not entirely certain, but I believe that it’s pretty important that the MAF sensor needs to be isolated pretty much from the outside. I took the extra step then of applying some silicon compound around the outer seal of the grommet, for just in cases.

OK, so we’re piped up to where the filter itself goes on. But as I pointed out earlier, with the removal of the stock air box, there’s an airplane hangar’s worth of space in there, and this intake is just basically “hanging out” there. One might suspect that it would be prone to move around a bit under normal operation, so some sort of bolster is called for. But “ruh-roh”, while there’s a handy bracket included, and some “instructions” about installing a grommet onto the bracket, and then bending the bracket back onto the grommet itself, there’s absolutely no indication of what to attach the bracket to ON THE CAR. Nor is there anything near the intake that looks like it will do the trick.

The bracket itself was substantial enough, and it has bends at one end to go under the hose clamp by the filter. I was able to attach it to another bracket on the trans case directly below it, using a wall anchor to grasp that bracket, and the included grommet above for added support and some imaginary dampening. This does provide extremely rigid support vertically, but, as we’ll find out later, nothing in the other axes.

After the bracket was fixed, I attached the filter itself, and voila! For all intents and purposes, the installation was complete. Ooh, Shiny! Compared to stock, it looks 100% better.

And if this was Hollywood or Madison Avenue, where looks really are everything, then the Weapon*R Secret Weapon intake would be a resounding sucess. But how does it “work”? And by that I mean not only does it enhance performance, but also how well does it function as part of the greater whole, under the hood? Or, in other words, does it seem like it will fall apart? Well the fact of the matter is, it did fall apart, in less than a day, due to the aforementioned bracketing issue. More on that in a moment.

I took the car out that night, and did some expressway cruising. And yes, there certainly is a palpable increase in performance. Throttle response is improved, oof-the-line acceleration is better, and a 50-punch will now press you into the seat somewhat, whereas before it would yield little more than a nudge. It’s not gobs of power, but it is a vast improvement over stock, I guarantee. In fairness I should point out that I also added the pricey and supposedly HP-increasing Denso iridium plugs (powered by meteorites!), and also a pricey and supposedly HP-increasing K&N oil filter and a some synthetic oil with horses made of synthetic oil on the label (which- you-guessed-it- also claimed to increase HP). Oh, and the ram-air kit (and I’m well aware that there are some haters out there that will tell you that ram-air is a myth). I also added that thinga-me-bob. It might just be wishful thinking that makes me feel some boost, but if I’m going for “finely-tuned”, then I’m going all-out, and if I only imagine that my neck just snapped back, well I’m having fun anyways (though I know of at least one Passat owner and one ES330 guy who were frustrated in their efforts to power by me on the Ike that night)…

So anyway, to get back to that “breaking” thing. The next day, Sunday, was sunny and finally a spot of top-down weather. I took my son and his girl out for a ride, and when I arrived home it occurred to me that I ought to check the clamps and what-not on the CAI. Sure enough, all the hose clamps could take another half-turn or so, so glad I did that! Drove a little more, ran some errands, and then popped the hood again. To my surprise and chagrin, the CAI was cleanly separated at the joint between the elbow pipe and the next. Oh, it was still secured in its bracket and firmly attached to the car, just in two pieces!

I realized then that while the CAI was mounted firmly in the vertical, there was nothing restraining it on the horizontal plane. Generic steel banding to the rescue!

With the additional support the entire unit has a firmer 3-point support, and is restrained in all directions. I should’ve seen this coming, as it’s fairly obvious that anything attached like that to an operating engine is going to be shaken mercilessly. Still, I think it point to a slight deficiency in the overall installation implementation for this particular application. On the other hand, I think anyone who does their own modifications should expect to face at least some ‘ad hoc’ changes in any given project. So I don’t fault them terribly much, I just think it needs to be pointed out that some extra effort is necessary for this install to be a complete success.

For instance, let’s discuss the bonus “ram-air” kit W*R included. You can see an end of it in the pic above, on the front of the filter. The theory is that even greater efficiency can be gained by forcing- or “ramming”- cold air into the intake from a source isolated away from engine heat. In this case, Weapon*R included a length 3in flex hose, some clamps, and a collar for the end of the intake. I could find no place to mount this collar- as seen below- where it would face forward, and therefore it rammed a lot of nothing.

Ah-hah, thinks I, a chance to fabricates! I checked a couple of auto parts stores for something in a usable scoop, when it suddely occurred to me that what I needed would be found in the HVAC section of my local Home Depot. Ans sure enough, there were three-inch tubes and vents and elbows in vast assortments, all just crying out to be shaped and formed into a scoop.

That’s what I eventually came up with, and below is how she is installed. Sure, it’s only 12$ worth of ducting and cable ties, but, on the other hand, if it get’s knocked off by some un-anticipated proturberance, it’s only 12$ worth of ducting and cable ties, and very easily replaced (hell, I’m already thinking of ways to double it up, to ram even more air!).

Also included in the W*R kit, as mentioned, are a filter cleaning kit, which I will certainly use and do appreciate, and also a breather filter, which I initially had no idea where to put, and later was told that I cannot use.

Overall, I’m pleased with the Weapon*R Secret Weapon intake; it looks good, sounds nice, and adds some modicum of real power. As noted though, for this particular application it isn’t exactly “bolt-on” out of the box, but required a bit of attention to make it work as promised. Overall, and considering that I haven’t seen any other vehicle specific CAI’s for a Sebring, I’m pleased so far.

Weapon*R